Pine Tree Pornography

Spring's lingering yellow haze could hold surprising health benefits.

It's the time of year here in eastern North Carolina that the pine trees attempt to procreate. When it comes to most plants, procreation is no big deal to us humans. We might catch the tawdry leg of a bumblebee as it squirms down into a flower, but we really don't give much thought to the meshing of genes and the passing of DNA. It's quite a bit harder with pine trees.

Pine trees play out their whole trashy romance right in front of our eyes. It covers everything. It coats our cars, sinus cavities, lawn furniture, and patios, and even my black cat turns a sickly yellowish green as he sunbathes on the front porch. These pine trees know no shame.

What most plants and animals play out in darkened secrecy, pine trees flaunt in the open. Like brazen porn stars, they spend their seed on the faces of humanity. And frankly, I feel like I might need a cigarette.

You have to give them props, though. They show no embarrassment or shame—they just thrust out more pollen onto the wind. They have endurance that would put any normal human male to shame. This pine tree love affair will last for days—even weeks. We'll all be held under a yellow haze of pollen until we can rinse it away like some morning-after shower.

Until then, I drive a yellow truck and own a yellow cat.

Benefits of Pine Pollen

If you're looking for some reason to embrace the pine tree porn fest that is early Spring, I have good news. Pine pollen contains over 200 vitamins, minerals, amino acids, bioactive compounds, plant hormones, and antioxidants that provide a wide range of incredible health effects.

1. Pine pollen is a complete protein. It contains all 20 amino acids, including isoleucine, which is known to increase athletic endurance and assist in muscle synthesis and repair. If you're a health nut or bodybuilding type, you can run around outside before a workout, catch some on your tongue, and use it as a natural pre-workout.

2. Pine pollen can boost your mood. The phytoestrogens in pine pollen are believed to help lift mood, enthusiasm, and a sense of overall well-being. Pine pollen also contains phenylalanine, a natural antidepressant that stimulates dopamine levels in the brain. We all need something to help improve our mood since this persistent yellow haze is enough to make us all a little stabby.

3. Pine pollen could help with age-related memory issues. A 2012 study investigated the anti-aging effects of pine pollen in mice. Researchers found that pine pollen prevented memory errors in a test of neurological activity. So, if you're having trouble finding your pollen-covered car keys, take a big whiff of pollen-soaked are and see if it helps you remember that you left them in the right pocket of your winter coat.